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| talk of dresses |
| 06.17.08 (12:22 am) [edit] |
|
Todays song-spooky couch by albert hammond jr I wish I had a summer dress and that my boobs werent so large and that I had more friends and definitely for more money. jesus christ am I tired of being poor and that this summer was filled with joy and shit I dont have any vacations to look forward to no friends around who could hang out with me although Im not really allowed to hang out with anyone or get out of my neighborhood without my brother no summer job no internship another three months of doing shit reading, tving, sleeping I wonder if Ill manage to take two naps a day again my first attempt to hanging out with people during the summer was quite horrible I had to beg a shitload to go to the movies and was late to it perhaps I should have arranged to go like an hour earlier to hang out with M or something even though that would probably too awkward for him to agree to because Im the most awkward person to be around I suppose thats because my social development is stunted I didnt know the movie was a horror flick until an hour before and I was constantly shushed by M when trying to talk even though N was perfectly able to say her witty comments her social development has gotten along great I lost 8 extra dollars when the movie was over, we went to a pet store that is way too sad for normal people to go to and then N and M left before doing so, M wanted A to be with him and N got immediately on her phone to call H and V to hang out right after that made me feel great and so I was left alone to battle powells, the great big used adn new bookstore by myself except it was too goddamn scary and desolate for me to be there and I had to walk to the opposite end of the mall, alone, to best buy where non attractive nerds looked at me and teenagers giggled with their own groups of friends they probably laughed at my large, scarred legs and my innappropriate white short shorts I felt really bad that I kept hitting M repeatedly when I got spooked. and that I didnt warn him about it beforehand but you know what? he told me to shhh so there however I did like that N was more irrational than I was and that M gave me fruit snacks and opened the packet for me and told me what was happening when I was too chicken to watch albeit that another guy behind us a couple of rows was doing the same thing to his female friend probably girlfriend and M most definitely got the idea from him wahoo. first R rated movie at the theaters was one of the gayest slasher films ever ever bored, lisa. |
| joking truth |
| 06.04.08 (6:57 pm) [edit] |
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Todays song-your protector by fleet foxes sometimes people at school joke about how Im under house arrest not because I really am, but because my father refuses to let me out I cant even walk around the neighborhood without my brother. who by the way, can walk to any place he wants to. and is more than two years younger than I am and my neighborhood is the safest cul de sac in the world I mean, how much harm could a couple of old people and young children do during dinner he remarked on an observation he made today that a lot of young people were walking around everywhere with their friends that ruined my appetite and no one deducted that I had suddenly gotten sad because of his stupid mouth maybe friends arent forever because he wont let me have one lisa. |
| I like to think Im not alone |
| 06.01.08 (2:13 pm) [edit] |
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Todays song-Centennial by Tokyo Police Club steady hands easy breath I dont think Im pmsing yet Im fighting with my father again It started off with seeing val and natalie walking along the road to b&n and he knows how much I really want to do that with them yet he said some bullshit about how he would let me do that but my mother wouldnt but, my mom would definitely let me do that hell, she'd drive us there and leave us for like a couple of hours whereas my father would stay in b&n and randomly check on us And then the next day he talked to me, while picking up pizza, about how I was ultimately alone in this world and that friends are not forever Ill get new friends all the time Old friends will always be in my life, but theyre not really there, theyre not important Familly matters and yes. this is somewhat true. but he said in a 'youre alone in this world. stop bitching and moaning about it. the only people you have is me, your mom, and calvin, and we arent going to be always there for you' kind of way I warned him about how I was sad all the time and how my social skills are sub par I need to develop them now or itll be too late (its not he said. he said more bullshit about how I can start living life AFTER college) I theorized that maybe Ill grow up to not have friends, not have a husband, become super depressed, and then commit suicide He thinks Im ridiculous but Im serious. what happens if that happens. will he blame himself? I mean, I had a cousin commit suicide a couple years ago, its not like it wouldn't happen to my family because it already has Yesterday he said I had a bad attitude and I explained to my mom about why we were on bad terms this weekend and she said 'like father like daughter' which actually seemed to piss him off more because sons are supposed to be like fathers Its not my fault my other gender chromosome isnt a Y, its his Today I asked him if he would let me go to a third world country and help out with a medical team, similar to the red cross he said no And the country is cambodia! thats where he used to goddamn live! he is such a fake 'youd get aids. you could get kidnapped. its too far away. i only have one daughter. i bet your aunt wouldnt let her own daughter go' But my aunt said she would let her daughter go! I wont get fucking aids! he also thinks that college isnt that expensive that I wont get into a 100,000 debt by age thirty hell! itll be more! If u of o is 15000 a year, for four years, thats like 60000 right there and then housing and shit like that graduate school is way more expensive than undergraduate, especially if Im aiming for an ivy league and living near an ivy league is hella expensive I might buy a loft or something by thirty I could get married by age thirty I am 17 years old! I need friends! I need to be around people other than the people who live in my goddamn house! thank god for the internet. myspace and aim<3> my father is such a hypocrite. lisa. |
| My name is Lisa and I hate myself. |
| 05.31.08 (1:06 pm) [edit] |
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Todays song-Tessellate by Tokyo Police Club I missed the deadlines to research at OHSU. And now Ill be too old to volunteer at all through their programs. WHYYYY First I was too young. Now I am too old. When can I be happy in the middle? lisa. |
| A Senior I Am Not |
| 05.30.08 (8:13 pm) [edit] |
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Todays song-Cheated Hearts by Yeah Yeah Yeahs I like singing along with Karen O If I was a singer, Id copy her on everything except the sexually explicit stuff she does on stage and her weird arm movements I dont exactly swing that way I feel like a fake. Who's kinda down right now. My morning started off pretty good. Until Brown started talking about the recession's influence on family and America. Everyone had complaints about how they had to sell a couple of cars and how they couldn't sell their second house and shit like that. I wish my household's financial problems were that easy. My mother had to quit her second job due to medical problems, which is ironic because she only got the job because of my medical problems. And my father had his work hours cut a little bit and was laid off for two weeks a couple of months ago. My mom's back problems are pretty severe I suppose. But, not severe enough to stop her from going to her primary work. "They laid off Crystal last week. I have to go to work. They laid off Crystal last week. I have to go to work. They laid off Crystal last week. I have to go to work." My parents had three jobs among them. Now two. Our money's tight. Yet, my father does not think this is Bush's fault. That republican ho. On Monday my mom took six advils in three hours. The max is like six in 24 hours. She didn't look too great. I didn't want to go to the KEY Club rally in St. Helens. She was so pale. And kept having little attacks in her gut. The assembly was bull. I was repeatedly punched. I won't get the red sash because my GPA is too low. I will probably barely get the silver sash because I don't think I have it in me to do a service project. I will get the white rope things though because of health careers. I fucking hope I get a couple of scholarships for something. I won't be recognized by any of Westview's departments because I'm not special enough. And I wont have a pretty, amazing dress to walk down the aisle in. I pretty much doubt it really. It won't be amazing and it won't be all that pretty. It'll probably lame, on the cheap side, green colored. During the rush I didn't get a chair. I have no idea where the anime weirdos came from. They just dove in front of the chairs in front of me. Stupid big asses. I had to sit on the floor with Val, and then shortly joined by Natalie. I like the idea of the three of us. I also like the idea of hanging out with friends yet my goddamn father told me the other day that friendships die. I'm alone. All I have is family, and sometimes they don't do the deed. I'll always make new friends and old friends don't last forever. Stuff like that should not be told to a teenage girl. Or anyone really. I told him that my social skills would not develop in time, making me a loser. A loser who wouldn't get married and would be lonely; so lonely I'd commit suicide. He said that me considering suicide would be too silly and not realistic. But it is realistic. My sadness isn't at all like his sadness. Sure he's had to bury people and watch people die in front of his eyes and was on the quest for survival by the age of 15 and he's not suicidal. But that doesn't mean he's not depressed either. Or have post traumatic stress disorder. I think depression might run in our family. But we don't know it because we've never been examined by someone who knows psychology professionally. After the assembly was lunch. I lost Val. I couldn't be alone in the library because they closed it. I barely grasped Michael, who can be a gigantic ass sometimes. I'm currently mad at him and refuse to speak to him. Goddamn idiot kept walking to his car with his goddamn stupid Indian friends to show off his unamazing driving skills. They boy barely fucking passed for chrissakes. Was forced to eat my cold, hard pizza with Shea and Alaina. They're dolls. They're real good people. Such nice people. I wish I could be one of those people who hung out with nice people; but, I like the weirdos with mental problems more. Or, well, more problems than others. But not fake overmade up problems like the girls in Abercrombie who complain and complain and complain. Fuck. I just talked back to Michael. Goddamn myself. I'll tell you a secret. I like it when Im innovative towards an assignment or project or something academic related and I show off a little bit, real modest-like though, and my teacher praises me a hella lot. And then they either show it off to the other kids in my class or catch the attention of a lot of my classmates to the point where they come over to me and look at what I did. It's like, hells yes Im smart. Eat me bitches. I love feeling smart. I dont get that feeling that often anymore, but its such a great feeling. I also like feeling philosophical when I'm talking to a guillible young 'un. I fed Angelica a lot of bull on Monday that was part true part shit part whatever. It was like, why yes I am older than you, and yes I am wiser than you, so I'm just keep feeding you all of this crap that makes me seem cool. The word wise reminds me of Harry Potter. Harry Potter is the only thing that makes me make funny noises like gasping. I am so excited for the James and Sirius prequel. And for the 10th year anniversery HP and the Sorcerer's Stone coming out on Sept. 23rd. Goddamn I am pumped. Mr. Helsel finally let me do some work for him. I graded cim papers =] A lot of people don't know how to do a proper lab write up. Seems like the only thing he trusts me with is setting up labs. Which a bore and happens only like once a month or so. I hate real flowers that aren't store bought. I hate how I took a three hour nap and now I don't know what to do with myself. I probably won't ever know what to do with myself for the rest of my life. Or until I get old. And I don't want to be old. I want to be young. I feel like a freshman. I have no spirit to be a senior. Some people were extra excited. I faked everything. lisa. |
| Dear Blake Lewis and the New Year; |
| 12.31.07 (11:33 pm) [edit] |
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I wrote a magnificent blog. that got deleted. fuck you tblog. history has been erased. lisa. |
| dreams |
| 12.27.07 (8:30 pm) [edit] |
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Todays song-you made me like it by 1990s ive been told by many people that I should stop dreaming about them well sorrrrry its not like i can control what goes on during REM cant even depend on lucid dreams because ive never had one! and its not like i can control how i wake up during my REM stages i hate remembering my dreams i hate dreaming my dreams always contain more than three scenarios and the weirdest things and like hey im on drugs kind of weird like, ok, that was kinda slightly well is creepy the shuddering kind ugh. 124 lbs. ew phat. ugh. havent done any homework yet idiot. ugh. sat prep id really rather not. TV. YOUR LORD AND GODDAMN MASTER, meeee
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| Restricted |
| 12.12.07 (7:03 pm) [edit] |
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Todays song- alloway grove by paolo nutini
I dont know if I feel this awful because its about time for winter break or because I havent gotten that much sleep lately. For a hump day, this is the worst ever. Ive grown isolated from everyone. Yeah. Ok. Your lord and master, Lisa |
| some people are nice |
| 12.07.07 (11:18 pm) [edit] |
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todays song-rewind by paolo nutini
like ladyg thank you. and then some people are complete asses like a certain romanian who doesnt want to talk to me like a certain blond who wants to know my grades and scores like a certain best friend who didnt extend an invitation to me about her cookie party, and I know that she and I already know that I wouldnt be able to go, but still, it would have been considerate like a certain girl named lisa. oops, thats me. but then there are also nice people are there like a certain blond turned brunette kid like a certain tall blond basketball playing boy like a certain white ass like a certain blond soccer playing boy and mr wilkinson is nice i like him still dont like brown even if he did shout fuck in class i hate being busy Your lord and master, Lisa |
| gift of disappointment |
| 12.01.07 (10:39 pm) [edit] |
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todays song-put the lights on the tree by sufjan stevens
yesterday was my birthday. that is the last time I depend on one person to change the world In middle school my birthdays were perfect my friends gave me presents and I got "happy birthdays" now lately, its been on my immediate family (living in this house) who's been bothering to make my birthday important no one gave me anything this year not a staple a paperclip a rubber eraser shaving i do not wish much from the people from school but somehow I always get less than I think Ill receive even natalie didnt give me anything she was too busy understandable, i mean, she has math, anatomy, aplang and apush that day but that was a bit sad and val had told me she'd give me some antidepressants not i made a count of the birthday wishes I got that day the happy birthdays as a result of me telling friday was my birthday was triple the number of the happy birthdays I received by those who remembered it was my very special day maybe quadruple the number and shit, come on i think yesterday was just as bad as my birthday last year i think maybe Im meant to be forgotten I mean, in my entire high school experience, which is two years and a half, Ive only made one new good friend Michael but he cannot be considered that anymore because after constant reminders, he didnt do squat I might as well age without celebration I dont know why I put so much hope in him Maybe I thought, maybe he'll get me something and my connections with friends isnt really dead, and someone might actually care about me but I saw him twice that day nothing nothing tonight either "SAT SAT SAT SAT SAT" fuck the sats! no mention whatsoever and only one myspace happy birthday! goddamnit! the only good thing was the night where I had taco bell and my cake for dinner and afterwards we watched pride and prejudice fuuuuuuck my peers. Im alone. Your lord and unhappy master, Lisa I am tired of receiving gifts of disappointment for my birthday. |
Music Recommendation |