Neo-Lisaism

Ah, Lisa exemplifies the process of disowning the true self.
With puberty she went from being a whole, authentic person to a diminished version of herself.


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I was screaming under my breath
05.29.06 (12:07 pm)   [edit]
Todays song-Make this go on forever by Snow Patrol

Im loving their new album.
Its like First Impressions of Earth good.
So good that if my personality had to be judged entirely by three bands that I like, then it would be the Strokes, Snow Patrol and Radiohead.
Ha, that reminds me of the first couple months of school.




I just remembered that my grandma left me an entire pot of coffee.




So Im at home whereas my mom, dad, grandma and Calvin are at the airport.
Why?
Well I have a shitload of homework and I have to take care of my cousin.



Because my aunt is now working and I have to babysit her.
Without pay.
Im not quite sure if I should demand ten dollars a month or more.
Because this girl is nuts.




My sisters out.
If you get what Im sayin.
My mom and grandma are off to California.

I just hope Calvin gets me my toy from the airport.





What homework do I have?
-Color five romeo and juliet drawings
-Extra credit teen pregnancy article
-Two paragraph responses to eight middle east articles
-Romeo and juliet expo paper
-Gas 2 worksheet
-Chem honors
-Math extra credit


In that order.
Well, Im currently doing the health extra credit because I dont feel like coloring. I might do that tomorrow morning.




My cousins capri sun gave me a tummy ache.
Or it could be very unhappy cramps.





I had a dream yesterday where I was at this like boarding school which was a cross between Hogwarts, some catholic private school, and a hotel. And I was racing to chem class with someone because we were both late. So we took elevators to like the 20-somethingth floor. The place only had tiny elevators and only person could be in it at once. Well I got in one and my companion got into another one. Since Im slightly claustophobic, my dream self did not enjoy those elevators. Except it was ok, my friend was singing at the top of their lungs. What was not ok was that the elevator got fucking stuck. I started screaming like mad because I couldnt get out. Except my compadre started acting like a superhero and tried to get me out. Which I think he did, I woke up at that point. I remember that I pushed the open doors button like mad and I saw a metal stick poking through the doors.




I really feel like graduating early.
Yeah, I think Ill do that.
But can I graduate and still go to westview?
Probably not.

If I were to graduate early, I would have to take a hella lot of outside classes.
Like physics, precalc, stats, western civ, an english class, and some computer courses.




I set up a meeting with my counselor.
Substitute counselor.
Really sweet old lady who should go back to retirement.
Someone hella nicer and better than my original counselor.




I think I should get a-goin on my homework.
Homework reminds me of Nataly.
I wonder where shes been lately.
Too bad her phone got jacked.






Ciao baby! (did you know its only 12:30?)

















Your lord and master,
Lisa
 
Do you see me? I dont bother to look at you.
05.26.06 (10:23 pm)   [edit]












I am a big fat phony





















Your lord and master,
Lisa
 
Corn
05.25.06 (9:35 pm)   [edit]
Todays vegetable-corn






Mmm, corn.



I like to pick all of the kernels out and then eat them after I completely strip them all off.



Mmm, strip.





Silly Lisa, you were quite upset yesterday.






Oh well.







Todays much better.

Today I had computer business and applications.
I had mcdonalds.
I went to meadow and talked to vanden berg.
Talked to puterbaugh.
I have corn.
I watched the finale of will and grace.
I got lots of food at safeway.
And yeah.

Todays pretty good.







Oh, and Im talking to ty right now.









Yep.
All is okay with me at the moment.



Except the fact that its currently 9:46 and I want to turn back time so I can get more sleep.


Oh well.




Fa la la la.






















Your lord and master,
Lisa
 
Whats that? Im stupid?
05.24.06 (7:01 pm)   [edit]
Todays song-Maybe I should like not listen to music and devote the next three years to school.



Maybe if I was a little more smarter I WOULD BE IN AP LANG

BUT NO I AM A STUPID FUCK.



I was looking forward to three AP classes.
Now I only get to take two.
Unless those counselors decide that I cant skip health and make me do intro to psych.

And if they do, Im gonna lie and say Im taking health at PCC.
And if theyre like, hey, we want proof, Im gonna ask them if I can.
Because theres a rumor that the school pays for the classes.

So there, settled.
Whatever



YOU STUPID FUCK, WHY DIDNT YOU DO BETTER?!
WHY COULDNT YOU MAKE MORE SENSE?
BE MORE ORGANIZED?
MAKE SOLID ARGUMENTS?!


WHY COULDNT YOU BE SMARTER?!?!?!?!?!






Why did you have to get depressed, develope a peter pan complexity, gain ten pounds, slack off and become a loner.



You are who you never thought you could be.



Youre one of those freaky kids who go through high school perfectly fine with straight A's and then suddenly kill ten people.

My lit teacher would be on that list.





SHE BETTER GIVE ME FUCKING HONORS CREDIT THIS SEMESTER OR IM KICKING HER ASS.



Or, well, more like give her my honors work (which is a total of 20 pages) and beg for the credit.

But I cant talk to her because she knows I hate her and Im still not done with my lit paper.

(Theres always that excuse you tell yourself. We're not done reading Romeo and Juliet so she probably doesnt expect it)







I want to graduate early.
I want to graduate early and do research at OHSU. That way I will get a full scholarship.
Just like a friends sister, shes at Duke now.







This is it.
Im no longer listening to my friends.

I should have never listened to Val.
I should have signed up for alg. 2 at PCC so next year I would take precal.


Im def. going to join key club next year even if it is a "lame club."
And STARS.
And maybe the science bowl thing.
Math club if I have extra time.
Bake a smile, if it still exsists.
That anti AIDS and marijuana thing.
MUN?


Cat Crew and def. roller hockey junior year. I need a sport, surely my parents will understand.
And National Honors Society



And no Natalie, Im not gonna die next year.
Im gonna ace ap bio and ap psych.

Im gonna ace it.

Im gonna get a honors diploma.


Im gonna wear a duct tape dress to my junior prom so I can get that lame scholarship thing.



I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN INTO AP LANG.
I HATE REGULAR LIT AND COMP.

I wonder if those ap lang teachers talked to ms. ray about me.

Uh, she hates me.
Like seriously.
Im not kidding.
Shes worst than Ms. Allen, AFTER she found out that I was dating Jon at that time.
Boy did she get disappointed in me.

I HATE MS. RAY.
SHE SHOULD GO BACK TO SUNSET.
OR BACK TO HER MOM AND HER BLACK BOYFRIEND.
OR TO THE SOUTH WITH HER QUEER DOCTOR BOYFRIEND.

I SHOULDNT KNOW THIS BUT SINCE MS. RAY FUCKING SUCKS I DO.







La la la, you guys are probably gonna be like "she cant do it"
And you know what?
I know.
But Im going to try.





THIS FRIDAY IM TALKING TO MY COUNSELOR.
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL.
NO MORE DELAYING ASKING FOR A CHAT DURING AT.
I WILL DO IT.


And tomorrow I will talk to puterbaugh about how he decided which freshmen were eligible to take ap lang next year.

Because its unfair if they decided by checking out my current grade, looking at my past writing samples, talked to ms. ray or anything like that.

But, I guess if they only decided by how well my essay was written, then I guess that makes me slightly happier.





Today Conner pissed me off so much that I yelled at him to GO AWAY.
He laughed and got closer to me.
If he comes anywhere near me again on friday, Im gonna like talk to some teacher and get him in trouble.
Or slap that motherfucker.


I want someone to take me away from Rachel, Hellina and him.

But no one will.

I like Hellina, and Rachels cool most of the time.
Its just that something in me died while being with them.





Maybe my academic integrity.
No, wait, that died a couple months ago.
Maybe just whatever I had left of it.









I hate myself.

Im going to go take a shower.

























Your bag of shit, Lisa

If I dont do any of this, someone kick their foot up my ass and force me to do it.
And someone please tell me to lose some weight every day. I mean every day. Its not mean, its the truth. Its simply reminding me to do it.
Just like how I got Calvin to lose some weight.
 
We dont think anything
05.22.06 (6:14 am)   [edit]
Todays song-Hands open by snow patrol



Im giving myself like seven minutes of free time before working vigorously on my great expectations journal.

During AT I will finish up chem, work on my japanese speech and write out a rough draft for GE.





Whoever invented high school better be in hell right now.
Getting stabbed in the heart with arrows of my hatred at this very moment.

If I continue to go on at this rate, I will gain several pounds, fry up my brain, get glasses and form some weird disorder.
Also my skin will get considerably worse.

And to top it all off, Ill get braces.

All I want is for the damn school to start at nine or something.
So I dont have to wake up at six every fucking morning.



I think with the three minutes I have left, Im gonna go get some breakfast.















Your lord and master,
Lisa
 
As I just lie here
05.21.06 (4:08 pm)   [edit]
Todays song-Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol



Ive tried posting something about four times but after two minutes I do something else.


Right now I sorta want to work on my great expectations journal instead of writing stuff but no, Im gonna do this.



My left side hurts.
I got up from the ground on friday after lunch and there was this sharp pain. It felt like two of my ribs were stabbing my heart.
And whats a funny coincidence is that Michael also hurt his upper ribs part when attempting to chase me but instead hit the railing.

Sucker, you should have given me the calculator. That way you wouldnt have gotten hurt and I would have gotten to play pokemon.
[I still cant believe you chose charmander]

"Leeda, what organ is right here? *points to left side*
-Uh, ribs?



Im all alone in my house.
Well my grandmas upstairs but still.
I could watch Brokeback Mountain in all its gay sex glory.

Nah.
Ive got homework.



Ive discovered a new show this weekend.
Little Britain.
Very funny.
Totally not communist thank you Natalie.

"Sorry-say-it-again?"
-JOHN
"sayitagain?"
-JOHN
"swigain?"
-JOHN
"swaiain?"
---SHE SAID JOHN!



Im so happy that school is ending soon.
Im so screwed.

On tuesday I have a speech for japanese and then honors.
Then I have a lit paper.
Then I have an entire chem experiment that I have to do for honors (I still havent done anything about it yet).
I havent talked to kathy from the library about volunteering.
I havent finished my pathetic volunteer application to st. vincents.
I havent talked to my counselor about the future. (now that I think about it, I doubt she can do anything).
I havent looked at any PCC classes.



Damnit, my grandmas watching tv now.
And my cousin is back.





Ima gonna work on my reading journal.

















Your lord and master,
Lisa
 
Great Delusions
05.16.06 (6:56 am)   [edit]
Todays song-This Modern Love by Bloc Party



I reckon its not a very bright idea to put up a post at this time of day, in this state of mind.

I want coffee.
But I cant have it, or Ill be really addicted.

I have a headache.

Screw Greys Anatomy, Ive been falling asleep at eleven thirty because of the season finale and stuff.

Its a good show. But who let those TV people choice that late of a timeslot?


I have AT today.

Things I hate about my AT:
-Its in the dirty art room with all of the clay and dust
-Since its in the art room, there's a wall sized window that faces the sun
-People on the left and right of me are too loud.

Things I guess I like about it:
-I get this giant table and only have to share it with two other people.
-I get stuff done
-Since its so bright, reading great expectations is easier


I also have global studies, chem, and geometry.



I am so tired.
I cant even do homework.

But I found out what yield is, its whats produced.
So..I dunno what Im going to do with that.



Nats party was fun.
Aside from it being slightly awkward and I didnt say much.
Cant really say much when you want to watch them.
Ive been so out of the loop lately, I just wanna videotape my friends and watch them like a TV show.
My friends are almost perfect.
To be honest, I didnt realize that Chris was ever gone. Yeah he goes to a different school, but still. That kids so hot.
[I say we won, we got those girls' love]



Its a much better day today.

I hate my legs.
I hate my calfs are made entirely out of muscle.
And theyre so huge.
You can chop off my leg and beat someone to death with it.

Oh well.



I have oh shit.
Was my id solubility lab due today?
Damnit.

-Three chem labs
-Math
-Respond to eight middle east articles
-Memorize katakana
-Lit paper



Argh.



OK Conner turned into Creepy Conner.
I wish he would stay away from me.
I think he likes me.
ICK!
Seriously, I want someone to beat him up and force him to stay away from me.
Or take my hand and run away from him.
I wanna beat him myself.
But hes a football player.
[stupid football players, I knew you cant befriend one]
I wanna kill the kid.



Its time for school.















Your lord and master,
Lisa
 
Im not drowning fast enough.
05.10.06 (9:28 pm)   [edit]
Todays song-Breathe by Anna Nalick
and I'm Ready, I Am by the Format


i need a reason to let go
an intervention, a lullaby
something to cure me please believe me
i’m trying to find truth
in words, in rhymes, in notes
in all the things i wish id wrote
cause i feel like i’ve been losing you

But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him maybe I'll just sing about it





If I had clones, one would commit suicide, one would run away, one would become a postitute, one would become one of those highly fucking annoying smartasses who dont like people though theyre very lonely and quite needy (like Vals new friend!), one would be "easy", one would do drugs, one would be me, one would be more tough and talks more and another would be one of those loners.

One of those losers who die.

Like how all of my clones will end up at the end.

Sometimes at night I see my life flash forward.
And it always reminds me of a quote from Tolstoy.
And what I see isnt pleasant.
No, it kills me.


You cant live your life however you want to.
Youre stuck and you dont matter.
Become a doctor, die.
Write a book, die.
Win a nobel prize, die.



The only reason I go to the park is because I cant stand seeing her cry. I dont enjoy listening to her and her mom. I want her to laugh and be a normal kid. I would raise her on my own if I could. CANT YOU SEE THAT HER FUTURE ISNT A FUTURE? She'll become a fuck up.


Ive constantly warned them about therapy.
Thanks for wasting my education, my future, my trust, and thousands of dollars.


I should be peachy keen.
I should not be so angry.
Nothings wrong with me.



I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants yesterday and cried four times.
I believe thats the first movie thats ever made me cry.



ITS NINE THIRTY AND I HAVENT STARTED ON MY HEALTH PROJECT THATS DUE TOMORROW.

GOOD GOING FATASS.
IM SUPRISED YOU HAVENT DIED YET.





I want to go outside and lie down on the grass and look at the stars.
But..
1) My mom will get even more pissed at me
2) I will get dirty
3) Its not clean
4) Negative energy from neighbors, pollution and how I cant really see the stars will go directly to my bloodstream
5) Id feel worse about not doing homework
6) I might fall asleep and then oh no, someone will rape me

YEAH RIGHT



GS-Good
AT-Good
Chem-Good
Lunch-Bad
Math-Ok
After school-Bad, good, ok, bad
After dinner-Horrid
Now-Anger



Everything was going ok.

I want to blame my sister.
I want her to stay in jail and waste thousands of Californian tax dollars.


But I cant think that.

Karma would get me.
God would get me.
Buddha would beat my ass with his inner peace.
My dead ancestors would send me to hell. (what happened to recarnation?)



Such an angry post.





Im simply smittened by this guy in my classes.
[my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles]

I want to say he could be my Romeo.
But I dont want that.
I want something happier.



I want andes mints thats what I want.
Chocolate and mint?
Fatass.



















Your lord and master,
Lisa

I need more better, bigger, colored shirts.
Stupid black
 
Metaphor, wait, a simile
05.08.06 (6:59 am)   [edit]
Todays song-Something awful but pleasing at the same time.



Time is very funny.
It speeds up as I rush to do my homework and slows down as I finally give up and wait to go over to leedas.

It also plays a huge role to the amount of sleep a person gets.
For example, I got only 6 hours last night, maybe even less. And Calvin gets more than 7. This is because he sleeps until 7:15 and I wake up at 6. Also, he is able to fall asleep within ten minutes whereas I take about 20 minutes to an hour.

Stupid bitch, I envy the fool.






Ah, another week of TORTURE!

At least I dont have it as bad as Nataly. HA HA HA HA SUCKER!





Im gonna finish my cake snack thing, retie my hair, reapply some chapstick, wake calvin up, put things into backpack, put on shoes and walk over to leedas.



















Your lord and master,
Lisa

I am so predictable.
 
If...
05.05.06 (6:44 am)   [edit]
Todays song-Mexico by Cake

Happy cinco de mayo.





If dreams were really wishes the heart makes, then I would be a slut, a bitch, and highly delusional.


This morning/middle of the night/I dont know how long my dreams are, I kissed three guys, had a birthday party in a mansion, and went to target alone (not entirely alone, just no calvin or no parents).

Ha ha, yeah right.

Im funny sometimes.



And plain sad.







I think I might do something more productive now.

Hm.




I want to be Juliet.
I think being a star-crossed lover would be kinda cool.

I was just interupted by an interesting but stupid Tide commercial on my buddy list window.




My back hurts. I dunno if its because Im a fatass or because I was five six this morning and gravity's just shrinking me back down.

Ow.















Your lord and master,
Lisa
 
AHA HA HA LOL IDK JK JK LMAO OMG
05.02.06 (6:51 am)   [edit]
Todays song-





I like the cold.

It needs to be this cold the entire day.


I do not like sunshine.


I do not like how my shirt is three inches shorter than my torso.

[maybe youve got a supa long torso honey bunch]
{nooooo}




During global studies today, I will die from boredom.
During at, I will shake off my morning stupor and start doing some homework.
During chemistry, I will have some fun.
During lunch Ill wish that I was somewhere else where I can be alone and not be judged.
During geometry Ill laugh a lot but then get angry at the stuff the teachers trying to teach us.
Then Ill go home.




omfg i should like totally not go to school!
dude, that like idea like rules like hardcore!





I think Im gonna stop listening to dashboard confessional and listen to dave matthews band instead.

I am no superman.
I have no reasons for you
I am no hero, aww that’s for sure
But I do know one thing:
Where you are is where I belong.
I do know where you go is where I wanna be.






ARGAHMAJARRRRRR
My jaw hurts.





Personally, I think spiderman is the coolest comic superhero.

I had a thing for wolverine when I was younger.





AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHA

















Your lord and master,
Lisa
 





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