Neo-Lisaism

Ah, Lisa exemplifies the process of disowning the true self.
With puberty she went from being a whole, authentic person to a diminished version of herself.

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My name is Lisa and I hate myself.
05.31.08 (1:06 pm)   [edit]
Todays song-Tessellate by Tokyo Police Club


I missed the deadlines to research at OHSU.

And now Ill be too old to volunteer at all through their programs.


WHYYYY


First I was too young. Now I am too old.
When can I be happy in the middle?













lisa.
 
A Senior I Am Not
05.30.08 (8:13 pm)   [edit]
Todays song-Cheated Hearts by Yeah Yeah Yeahs


I like singing along with Karen O
If I was a singer, Id copy her on everything
except the sexually explicit stuff she does on stage
and her weird arm movements

I dont exactly swing that way


I feel like a fake.
Who's kinda down right now.



My morning started off pretty good.
Until Brown started talking about the recession's influence on family and America.
Everyone had complaints about how they had to sell a couple of cars and how they couldn't sell their second house and shit like that.
I wish my household's financial problems were that easy.
My mother had to quit her second job due to medical problems, which is ironic because she only got the job because of my medical problems.
And my father had his work hours cut a little bit and was laid off for two weeks a couple of months ago.
My mom's back problems are pretty severe I suppose. But, not severe enough to stop her from going to her primary work.
"They laid off Crystal last week. I have to go to work. They laid off Crystal last week. I have to go to work. They laid off Crystal last week. I have to go to work."
My parents had three jobs among them. Now two. Our money's tight.
Yet, my father does not think this is Bush's fault.
That republican ho.

On Monday my mom took six advils in three hours. The max is like six in 24 hours. She didn't look too great. I didn't want to go to the KEY Club rally in St. Helens. She was so pale. And kept having little attacks in her gut.


The assembly was bull. I was repeatedly punched.
I won't get the red sash because my GPA is too low. I will probably barely get the silver sash because I don't think I have it in me to do a service project. I will get the white rope things though because of health careers. I fucking hope I get a couple of scholarships for something. I won't be recognized by any of Westview's departments because I'm not special enough.
And I wont have a pretty, amazing dress to walk down the aisle in. I pretty much doubt it really. It won't be amazing and it won't be all that pretty. It'll probably lame, on the cheap side, green colored.

During the rush I didn't get a chair. I have no idea where the anime weirdos came from. They just dove in front of the chairs in front of me. Stupid big asses.
I had to sit on the floor with Val, and then shortly joined by Natalie.

I like the idea of the three of us.

I also like the idea of hanging out with friends yet my goddamn father told me the other day that friendships die. I'm alone. All I have is family, and sometimes they don't do the deed. I'll always make new friends and old friends don't last forever.
Stuff like that should not be told to a teenage girl. Or anyone really.
I told him that my social skills would not develop in time, making me a loser. A loser who wouldn't get married and would be lonely; so lonely I'd commit suicide. He said that me considering suicide would be too silly and not realistic.
But it is realistic.
My sadness isn't at all like his sadness. Sure he's had to bury people and watch people die in front of his eyes and was on the quest for survival by the age of 15 and he's not suicidal.
But that doesn't mean he's not depressed either. Or have post traumatic stress disorder.

I think depression might run in our family.
But we don't know it because we've never been examined by someone who knows psychology professionally.


After the assembly was lunch. I lost Val. I couldn't be alone in the library because they closed it. I barely grasped Michael, who can be a gigantic ass sometimes. I'm currently mad at him and refuse to speak to him. Goddamn idiot kept walking to his car with his goddamn stupid Indian friends to show off his unamazing driving skills. They boy barely fucking passed for chrissakes. Was forced to eat my cold, hard pizza with Shea and Alaina. They're dolls. They're real good people. Such nice people.

I wish I could be one of those people who hung out with nice people; but, I like the weirdos with mental problems more.
Or, well, more problems than others.
But not fake overmade up problems like the girls in Abercrombie who complain and complain and complain.


Fuck. I just talked back to Michael.
Goddamn myself.


I'll tell you a secret. I like it when Im innovative towards an assignment or project or something academic related and I show off a little bit, real modest-like though, and my teacher praises me a hella lot. And then they either show it off to the other kids in my class or catch the attention of a lot of my classmates to the point where they come over to me and look at what I did.
It's like, hells yes Im smart. Eat me bitches.

I love feeling smart.
I dont get that feeling that often anymore, but its such a great feeling.
I also like feeling philosophical when I'm talking to a guillible young 'un.
I fed Angelica a lot of bull on Monday that was part true part shit part whatever.
It was like, why yes I am older than you, and yes I am wiser than you, so I'm just keep feeding you all of this crap that makes me seem cool.

The word wise reminds me of Harry Potter.
Harry Potter is the only thing that makes me make funny noises like gasping.
I am so excited for the James and Sirius prequel.
And for the 10th year anniversery HP and the Sorcerer's Stone coming out on Sept. 23rd.
Goddamn I am pumped.


Mr. Helsel finally let me do some work for him.
I graded cim papers =]
A lot of people don't know how to do a proper lab write up.
Seems like the only thing he trusts me with is setting up labs. Which a bore and happens only like once a month or so.


I hate real flowers that aren't store bought.


I hate how I took a three hour nap and now I don't know what to do with myself.




I probably won't ever know what to do with myself for the rest of my life.
Or until I get old.




And I don't want to be old.
I want to be young.
I feel like a freshman.
I have no spirit to be a senior. Some people were extra excited. I faked everything.














lisa.
 





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